The Reformed Devil is Back On Earth

“You’re going back.”

Satan thought back to that fateful moment. He had been in Hell, silently celebrating his six thousandth year in his own personal prison. Sure, the other souls were there too and all, but Satan had known that place was made specifically for him. Under his three piece suit were shackles, thin and invisible. Every morning he woke up they were there, squeezing his ankles and wrists just tight enough to be uncomfortable.

Subconsciously he rubbed his wrists, marveling at the fact that they were gone.

That day had been five years ago now. After a short meeting with God, who all but begged him to be good, the shackles had disappeared. He was finally free to go wherever he wanted – including Earth. After a short chat about the current state of affairs, God sent Satan back to the place that he belonged.

Touching down upon Earth, Satan had found himself on the top of a mountain with a clear view of a city in the distance. Having studied maps occasionally in his many years in Hell he knew the city was Seattle. He did a slow spin, taking in the beautiful scenery.

Satan grinned at the recollection. That had been so like God, to send him to a mountain. As if that of all things would change his mind. God could never have known that six thousand years could actually change his greatest criminal. As Satan got dressed and went out his front door to greet the day, he thought of how he’d spent the last five years.

At first he’d spent his days as a public speaker, trying to encourage people to be their best. He’d spent these days in disguise, biding his time and preparing for his grand vision. That grand vision had been completed just last month. He started the long hike down the mountain. His home was just at the base, hidden from sight by a barrier of trees that Satan had gently encouraged to grow large and strong.

As he walked, Satan mentally prepared himself. He had been on forums and sites, spreading the word that he was back and ready to interact with his followers. Today was the day that he would get to see them.

After a few minutes of walking he caught his first site of his temple. He stopped for a moment to take it in. It looked like a perfectly ordinary church, and he smiled at the thought. The only difference was the pentagram over the door. He started walking, invigorated, towards the door. As he took each step an aspect of his appearance shifted. First his bright blue eyes darkened until they were totally back. His jeans turned into a fine pinstripe number and his shirt changed from a polo into a proper dress shirt in a deep red. He felt himself grow slightly taller as his legs changed from human to goat. Red fur sprouted all over his body. The short beard he’d settled on shifted into a goatee. Finally, his horns grew out of his head, curling back.

He threw open the doors and looked upon his congregation. It was the most eclectic group of people he’d ever seen gathered. There were adults, teenagers, a few old-timers and one or two families. There were goths, hippies, and conspiracy nuts. There were normal people too, but they were far outweighed by the outcasts.

A collective gasp ran through the crowd.

“It’s really him…”
“I can’t believe it…”
“Told you.”

As he ascended the steps to the podium, he put on his best smile and finally turned to face the crowd. He reached into the inner pocket of his suit and pulled out a text. Upon seeing the text the crowd once again gasped.

“I knew it!”

Satan looked around for the speaker before settling upon a teenager, clad entirely in black, sitting in the front row. Satan gave the teen a slight smile before responding.

“You know nothing.”

Taking the book into two hands, he ripped it clean down the middle and tossed the two halves into a brazier behind him where flames swallowed them. He looked out at the crowd and smiled. Now, he had their full attention.

“That book, in case you didn’t recognize it, was the so-called Satanic Bible. While Anton LeVay has some decent points, particularly about the hypocrisy of religion, I’m here to clear something up.

There is no magic. There is a God. The Golden Rule is valid. And the Bible is largely true.”

Upon mentioning the Bible he pulled it from his other suit pocket, holding it in the air for all to see.

“I am here to deliver you the truth, and until a better one is written we will study this book. We shall be known as self-aware Christians. We will examine where the Old Testament shows us the truth, and where it descends into the deepest falsehoods.”

Opening the book, Satan began reading, stopping occasionally to clarify points and deliver personal experiences. He did not omit anything and he did not paint himself in a positive way. When he arrived at the paragraph where he offered the apple to Eve, he stopped and put the book down for a moment. By now half the congregation had left, disappointed in their dark lord. The other half was listening intently.

“I should not have done what I did. I am the one that made you mortal by breaking God’s rules. Now I’m free, and I just want to help you all come to terms with your mortality. Have no doubt, God loves you all. His religion, though, has been hijacked by people who do not know all the facts. Know this: the best you can do to make it through this cruel world is love one another.” He paused to consider his next point, when it came to him.

“And if a stranger offers you an apple, be suspicious. You never know what it could do to you.” With a wink he closed the Bible and walked out of his temple.